I have a relative who is terrified of clowns. To those of us who do not share the fear, it may seem almost comical. But to someone who imagines Bozo climbing into the car beside them, there is nothing funny about it.
Sometimes those fears can be traced to an early frightening encounter.
This is especially true if that thing is the Lord God Almighty.
Before my first encounter I had the impression God was like a cosmic Santa Claus. If I was nice He would give me good things. But if I spit on my brother, God would do bad things to me.
When I entered my living room at seven years of age I had never seen the family Bible there on the end table. It caught my attention that hot day as I came inside needing a cold drink after playing kickball. Maybe it had been there for a long time but there it was. I walked over, driven by curiosity and opened the front cover.
There He was, my first picture of God. He didn’t look happy. He was angry. The stone tablets in each hand looked like weapons he could use to hit me in the head. But it was His eyes that captured my attention. They looked like lightening bolts shooting out into the room. And they followed me when I shifted my stance from foot to foot.
That image stuck with me. It never let me go. To this day I can still feel the panic.
At the age of seven I didn’t understand theology but I could feel emotion. In that picture God was watching me. He saw what I did and would do. His glare signaled His disapproval. Fear crept into my mind and body. I knew nothing about hell or eternal punishment. All I knew was that I might be in danger and I needed to be very careful.
Why do children embrace their early images of God? Maybe it’s because they trust the adults that introduce them to those images. In my case I knew the Bible arrived from my parents. Why would they have a Bible with a scary picture if it didn’t represent God? It never occurred to me that my parents or the artist had an erroneous understanding of God.
Young children often have little ability to separate symbol from reality, especially if the image is wrapped in religious authority. If an adult saw God in a picture like that they could decode the metaphor. But a child looks at an image like that and accepts what they see. They respond literally and emotionally. They don’t interpret, they react.
The same is true of what they are told. When a Sunday School teacher or pastor tells a young child that God sees everything they do and knows what they are thinking it impacts them deeply. They may start to feel like they are under the God microscope. Even their own thoughts are being assessed if those thoughts are naughty or nice.
Fear based religion isn’t just stored as belief. It turns up as actions and emotions. Children who grew up secretly fearing God may feel more guilt and anxiety than considered normal. At one level an adult can say, “I no longer believe God is angry with me.” And yet, at the same time feel their pulse quicken at thoughts of God knowing and judging them. It can be difficult to escape fear based religion, especially if implanted at an early age.
Fear based religion needs a different model than that of the Old Testament God that sent the Death Angel into the homes of ancient Egyptians to kill the oldest male child.
This is what Jesus is all about. My growing understanding of Him is that He came to show us that God is love. Hey touched the untouchable. He welcomed children. He did not condemn the woman caught in adultery. He ate with those rejected by religion.
What if God is not standing on the clouds watching and waiting for you to fail? What if God is more like Jesus kneeling in the dust beside the accused?
Some of us have spent decades trying to stop being afraid of a God we met before we were old enough to question Him. That doesn’t make us weak or damaged beyond repair. It means we were kids and we believed what the adults we trusted told us.
Maybe healing starts when we stop scolding that frightened kid and sit beside him. Tell him you are not being watched for failure. You are being held in love.
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